Thread: Kids v No Kids

  1. #1301
    Senior Member Marianne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redribbon View Post
    So many women have said to me how I'm doing the right thing, focusing on my life rather than just churning out kids cuz it's expected or an easy option (it's not!) and alot have said they'd never change their kids but would have done it later/differently/wish they had their freedom again.
    I've experienced bitterness from mothers who I feel are really quite jealous of me having no kids. Yes, kids are a joy you can't compare but there's mothers/fathers out there that lack that parenting instinct and are dragging their kids up to the point of actually resenting them. I look around at the feral kids down my street and dread them growing up because the cycle of churning out kids starts again.
    That's just my opinion.
    Agree with this. I never in my life wanted children, yet now I have a daughter. I never wanted to be married, yet now I am. Would I change anything? If I had a chance, yes, I would never have children or be married. Do I regret my life as it is now? Absolutely not. In my opinion, you can say what you would do in a hypothetical situation and still be happy with how things turned out for you. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else but me.

    Do I lack the parenting instinct? Most probably hehe since I never wanted kids. But I love my daughter more than anything now that she is here, and having grown up with a mum who suffered from severe depression, was controlling as HELL (still is) and beat me up till I was 18 and left the house, I made the conscious decision when I found out I was pregnant to NEVER lay a finger on my child, to talk as calmly as I can no matter what, to use approved ways of punishment and when she is older, to let her as free as I can to LIVE her life and gather experiences, as I never had a chance to. Kids don't come with a manual, you just do the best you can do and hope you did a good job.

    The thing I could never understand -and I think I mentioned it in an earlier post on this thread- is people like my mum who make you feel like you need meds if you tell them no, I don't want children. For her, a woman/couple with no children = Useless. But such are the minds of that generation. Too late to change unfortunately. I believe that not everyone has the "calling" or whatever you wanna call it, to be a parent. Some people, myself included, never had it. And finally, even though I have my own child now, I still cannot stand children, I never could. People think that once you have a child, you automatically change your previous views and start loving children. No, you don't. I can certainly identify a lot more with other mothers' problems but that does not mean I want other children around me except my own!
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    Senior Member redribbon's Avatar
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    I completely agree, Marianne - especially the last few sentences. It is refreshing to hear this from you as a mother. I do admire your outlook - you bring across the true reality of having kids, that it's a joy but incredibly difficult too. Other peoples' children really annoy me - especially the spoilt brats making their parents lives a misery.
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    I've said it before way back in this thread but yeah I'm not particularly maternal despite having a child and helping to look after step children from the age if 19 although I had as little to do with them as possible, wasn't my job to raise them.

    I also don't fare that well with other kids including those within my family, it just drains me and I don't really have a vested interest in them because they're not mine! I feel sorry for any kids that I know are being raised badly and act up like brats but it's bad parenting that makes them that way in my opinion but often the focus will be on the 'naughty' child not the shitty parents.

    I know people (strangers mainly) can think my son is a brat because of the way he acts (he can over-react massively to the smallest things at times and has sensory issues) sometimes, downside to having a disability that's not visual but I just don't let it get to me. I know I parent the best I can and people will always judge no matter the situation but yeah I know some parents who bring up their kids like shit and my goodness do they act up over it, shame really when the basic fundamentals of parenting in my opinion aren't that difficult, putting them into practise can sure be tough at times though!

    Again as said before having kids is a personal choice, I know my mum wouldn't have cared if I had kids or not, she also respects my decision to not have any more for now and I don't think that's likely to change in the future, I'm getting on a bit and my son may well need more and more of my attention and focus as he gets older and possibly has more problems and having my attention divided will not help with that and I doubt I'd cope well with it.
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  4. #1304
    Senior Member Marianne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redribbon View Post
    I completely agree, Marianne - especially the last few sentences. It is refreshing to hear this from you as a mother. I do admire your outlook - you bring across the true reality of having kids, that it's a joy but incredibly difficult too. Other peoples' children really annoy me - especially the spoilt brats making their parents lives a misery.
    Thank you redribbon (don't know your name damnit) that is exactly right, it is a joy, you know a new kind of love, commitment, you have a little person that you can mold into whatever you want and if your relationship with your partner has solid foundations, then a child is only going to make it stronger.

    And it has soooo many difficulties and I have to say, unfortunately, in all honesty, till they are a bit independent, the difficulties outweigh the joys. And if you don't have help like I don't, even worse. You have a person stuck on you 12 hours a day, you feel the walls closing in SO many times and I am telling you, when she is impossible to deal with, I am killing myself in my head heh.

    As for spoiled brats, when I am out and I see my daughter is behaving in an irrational way and does not stop after trying, I simply leave because as much as I understand she is a small child and it's not her fault, I have a choice of taking her away from a place where it's also NOT OTHER PEOPLE'S FAULT to hear my child's screams.

    I suppose it's because I never wanted children and children have always - much like you! - annoyed me and still do, that I can have a clearer perspective to women who always wanted children and think every single thing their child does is "adorable" and cute. No, it's really not. Not ALL the damn time.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marianne View Post
    And it has soooo many difficulties and I have to say, unfortunately, in all honesty, till they are a bit independent, the difficulties outweigh the joys. And if you don't have help like I don't, even worse. You have a person stuck on you 12 hours a day, you feel the walls closing in SO many times and I am telling you, when she is impossible to deal with, I am killing myself in my head heh.
    I can honestly say I didn't feel like this when my son was younger, not the outweighing bit anyway, I'd say we had much more positive fun times than difficult times. I don't think parenting, children or child raising can be generalised but I know it was really hard at times and has been very hard on you. Especially like you say when you get little or no support. :( I got little support as well, to the point where I had to come out of work and work from home in the evenings and then when he was at school (if I don't work I go potty lol). How long til yours starts school? You'll be glad of the rest by the sounds of it!
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    Quote Originally Posted by redraven View Post
    I can honestly say I didn't feel like this when my son was younger, not the outweighing bit anyway, I'd say we had much more positive fun times than difficult times. I don't think parenting, children or child raising can be generalised but I know it was really hard at times and has been very hard on you. Especially like you say when you get little or no support. :( I got little support as well, to the point where I had to come out of work and work from home in the evenings and then when he was at school (if I don't work I go potty lol). How long til yours starts school? You'll be glad of the rest by the sounds of it!
    Hazel yes, I am in another country and have no help at all except for my husband and as I said, it all comes down to not wanting children really, ever, so this has everything to do with the difficulties outweighing the joys for me - You understand what I mean I hope - compared to a woman who has always wanted children.

    Aaaah she goes to pre-kindergarten for now, which is only 2 hours a day haha....she is only 30 months old so school is far away for now! When she goes, I will be happy, as I can finally GO BACK TO WORK and have some free time as well!
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    Ah I get what you mean now! But I know of women who have craved children who also have very hard times with their kids too but yep what you said makes sense to me from your personal point of view. I never grew up always wanting children nor even as a young lady so can't comment for those that have always wanted them either!

    Aww you'll be glad when she goes full time. I'd love to go back out to work but with being a single parent, not having any other family helping me and my son needing extra care/support it's pretty much impossible for me for me to get a job out the home! Something for you to look forward to though
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    I think having kids is selfish (in a way). It's really rewarding for a parent to raise a child. When you think about it, you're creating a little human who's required to love you, and who is brainwashed into believing everything you think and believe is right, at least for the first 10-15 years of their life. No one thinks about the poor kids who have no say in getting stuck with a complete idiot. I'm doing my future kids a favor by not having them, because I'd hate to subject and child to having me as a parent.

    Some people should have kids. Most people should not.

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    There's not many things I'm sure about in life, but if there's one thing I am sure about it's that I want to have at least one child. I have really strong maternal urges now, it's crazy! But I will wait until I finish my degree and am more financially stable.
    I can't really provide a reason why I want kids, I just do.

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    Quote Originally Posted by aikenha5 View Post
    There's not many things I'm sure about in life, but if there's one thing I am sure about it's that I want to have at least one child. I have really strong maternal urges now, it's crazy! But I will wait until I finish my degree and am more financially stable.
    I can't really provide a reason why I want kids, I just do.
    This pretty much sums me up too. Recently my Facebook has been completely overtaken by a never-ending list of friends and family who have had babies recently, even my brother's girlfriend is due pretty much any day (making me an auntie for the 6th time, hurrah!). I will admit, I've been broody as hell recently and even just looking through FB has me close to tears at times (Pathetic, I know!). Saying that, I'm refusing to have a baby until our life is sorted. We currently live with my boy's mum who I love so much, but of course we'd prefer our own place. We'd also prefer to be married first (not planned until Dec 2014), and obviously before any of this we both want stable jobs which neither of us have (Don't get me started on job hunting - nightmare!).

    So yeah, we have pretty much planned what we would like to happen in the next few years but who knows?
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