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I don't understand why people are forever assuming that children dont understand why what they've done is wrong.
I was smacked as a child, and I always knew what I'd done to deserve it. For example, I knew that it was wrong to fight with my brothers, because we could have hurt each other etc... we did it anyway and there were consequences to deal with. We always knew that being smacked would be the result and we understood why, we persisted because we thought we wouldn't be caught!
Woah I just said that's why I don't agree with it personally, I'm not forever assuming anything, it's just the way I see it. I just don't think resorting to violence is a good way to put a point across in any situation.
It's not just you, it comes up in every single discussion of the matter ever.
As soon as I did sometihng wrong I hid, I DEFINATELY knew when I'd done something wrong, like fighting with my sister, but then again I used to count eating loudly as being naughty. Very strict mother....well she was back then, and I think it was more down to hating children lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pineapple
I get that SOME children don't understand that certain things are wrong, like swearing for isntance, if they hear their parents swearing, they copy it and tihnk nothing of it, obviously once they are told off for it, they learn it is wrong.
I'm kinda on the fence about spanking a child to teach it that it has done wrong.
I've used all sorts of techniques when it has come to my younger sisters, the one that seems to work the most with my youngest sister, who is extremely badly behaved, is gentle coaxing. If you gentley tell them that it's not nice when they, for exmaple, hit you or broke something, and explain say, if you did it to them it wouldn't be nice, they do kind of understand. Although I found she only understood for as long as I was talking to her. But she reacted better to it than when I shouted at her. Also explaining that good beviour gets treats, so say 'If you be a good girl for me today, no arguing or throwing tantrums, I'll buy you a chocolate bar/play sims with you(she loved playing sims)/take you to the park'.
Then again, when children are violent and hit others, it is a good technique to do the same to them, then they learn what they are doing to others is not nice, such as them biting someone so you bite them, lightly ofc, this is what my stepdad did with my younger sister, and she learnt QUICKLY! Although he was the only one she listened to when he told her off.
I only want one child tbh, and I know it sounds strange, but I reckon I'm going to have a girl. Which is my preference. I know the sperm decides the sex but I was the 2nd of 4 girls and so was my mum, so I'm kind of expecting a girl.
I used to not want kids at all but over the years, and as my relationship with my own mother has deteriorated, I have warmed to the idea of having a child, my own little family, to somehow make up for the mistakes my own mother made.
Lol oops sorry for the long post!
I don't really condone any 'beating' or 'violence' in any relationship with adults or children. It solves nothing at all, the only time I have smacked my son on the bum (through clothes) is when he has done something seriously dangerous which is very rare and tbh even then I wished I hadn't smacked him because it solved nothing. I think it was done more to create a shock value and to make a point that could have been made verbally and with the retraction of toys/treats as he was only young.
This may cause controversy but I think those that 'beat' their children are too lazy to think of alternatives or don't have confidence in their own abilities to know that their non violent punishment will work. I was never beaten as a child, I have masses of respect for my parents, I never went off the rails, never got into drink or drugs, did well at school etc, my parents had far better coping strategies than to resort to violence.
I'd be mortified if I beat my child only for him to beat me back when older if I ever wronged him (which I aim never to do of course), how could I argue against it? And then what if his friends/siblings did something wrong? Would it be ok for him to beat them too? Violence solves nothing.
Btw my description of 'beating' a child is to strike them hard or use an object to hit them with, I do not include a short smack to the bum/legs to very young children as opposed to beating up a 13year old with a belt or stick.
Quote:
Originally Posted by redraven
I do think that those who are contantly smacking or hitting their child have perhaps some confidence issues. When I first became a single mother a few years ago, I found it so hard to cope and I felt like nothing worked, and it would have come to that had I not met my partner. He taught me how to be a calmer parent, made me realise I am strong and I CAN teach her right from wrong without resorting to smacking all the time. Above all, he reminded me that I am the parent, she is a child. Now I am really happy with my daughters progress and her behaviour. She goes to bed when she is told, no fuss or tears (a year or so ago it would have been tantrums, me uop and down scares shouting and screaming at her to please sleep) She listens when she is told off.
More than anything I make a point of talking TO her, not AT her. She is 4, enarly 5 and understands perfectly well when I say her actions are wrong. Supernanny is right. Come down to their level, talk to them, explain it, ask for an apology and move on. If my daughter is especially naughty, I will ask her to tell me what I said. For example, a while back she came down in the moring, helped herself to food, made a mess of the kitchen and living room. I was so angry, she was banned from being downstairs alone. Over the next few days I kept reminding her and asked her to tell me what she was not allowed to do and why. This way I know she understood it.
I also gicve consequences, 'if you do that I will....' things like take away treats, send her to bed early, not let her watch a favourite programme work well.
She is no angel... she can be a pain like most hildren, but I have found my cool and am able to hold onto it in most situations.
I do think you are right though... how can a person beat a child, and then tell them off for copying that and doing it back or tpo someone else?
Sorry.. I rambled.
I do know where you're coming from that those who verbally and physically attack their kids can have confidence problems or not know how to discipline without being so harsh. As I say I have smacked him out of sheer frustration and dislike myself for it a lot but I also know I'm human and I look for ways to minimise this.
In all honesty a lot of it is common sense but when you're wound up to the point of no return sometimes we do things we regret. The main thing is to mean what you say, like you said, actions must have a consequence but if you don't follow it through they will play holy hell with you. Thats all I hear from the girl next door, she has 3 kids, different dads who have all left her, shes 22, no job, no ambition other than to claim all she can and all I hear are empty threats towards her kids, threats of violence, actual violence and f**k seems to be every 3rd word, then she looks horrified when her 3yo says it...go figure.
tbh,i think a lot of people will react quite strongly against a child being slapped or something.the majority if the time i think it is as a last resort,to put across a very serious point.i'm not against it,because my mum slapped my brother and me when we were little-and a few times when i was a bit older,when it really was being a bitch-but i know that she wouldn't have done it without having a very good reason.it takes a lot to wind my mum up(or it used to),so i know it was rare occassion that she really punished us.
everyone has their own way of bringing up children,i'll be honest,sometimes with some parents you wonder wtf they're actually doing with children,since they let them run riot etc,but that is their choice at the end of the day,and i would never tell another person how to bring up their children-especially since i know i couldn't do it :D
I don't tell people how to bring up their kids either unless they decide to ask me. However I try not give the 'looks' to those parents with kids who may seem to be letting them run riot as I don't know if that child has learning difficulties of some kind. I remember years ago I was in a small supermarket once and I saw this little girl going over to a load of wine bottles at speed, the mum was pelting down the aisle after her and grabbed her hard, a woman nearby said 'why didn't she shout to make her stop' to which the mother turned and very calmly said 'my daughter is deaf thank you' and just walked away after reprimanding the girl in BSL. Makes you think! Then again sometimes it really is totally obvious, especially when you know the parent/s.
The one thing scares me about kids is the responsibility.
I have enough trouble taking care of myself! And to be honest, I'm not sure if I want my entire life goals to automatically change because I bring a kid into the world.