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  • I went through similar intimacy problems with my recent relationship. I had a very low sex drive, and tried changing my contraceptive pill. However, the change didn't work and we just ended up having sex less and less.

    After a while, I realised that because I felt pressured by my lack of sex drive it almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'd spend 10-14 days feeling guilty for not making a move, and then had guilty sex... which was never good. However, in hindsight I realise that the problem was as much his as it was mine. He wasn't instigating sex either, which put me under even more pressure. Even though we spoke about it and identified that there was a problem, no solution was ever reached.

    I don't know how long your relationship was... but I think that the less time this kind of problem goes on for, the easier it is to fix. If you get into a long term rut, it's almost impossible to sort it out. I really hope you manage to work things out though, because it's an awful feeling knowing that you've made the wrong move.

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    • Originally posted by ciderxwithxrosie View Post
      Well these past two days have been hideous for me. I don't regret us breaking up on Monday because it's made me realise how much I want him and how I don't want it to end. I dealt with things totally the wrong way though, I should have told him that I felt I was having some intimacy issues so we could try to fix it (actually, I am about 99% sure it's the pill that's not only made me ridiculously emotional and irrational but has also killed my sex drive, shame I realised that after we'd broken up >.<)

      So we had a really long talk this morning and we've decided to have time apart to get our heads clear, re-build ourselves and then probably in the new year, we're gonna start over again from scratch, going out to the cinema or for a walk, just little things etc. My friend's sister had the exact same problem we did and her and her boyfriend had a month apart and then started over and they've been together years now, not saying that that guarantees it'll work for us but we're both willing to make this work.

      I'm probably gonna get stick for this because the other week I though about ending it but I'd just gone about it the wrong way, I should never have ended it, I knew I loved him but it was just the lack of intimacy which we've found a reason for. And now I'm happy, because the space will allow us to grow again as people and starting again is all the gooeyness of being together, the excitement and passion we need but because we know each other so well already, it'll be even better. So I hope!
      Ergh, I know that feeling all too well =/ I've needed to talk to the doctor about changing my pill for like a year now really, I just keep putting it off because I'm a big shy wimp and my doctor doesn't seem to believe anything I tell her anyway.

      I hope everything works out for you two

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      • Originally posted by bigredfish View Post
        I went through similar intimacy problems with my recent relationship. I had a very low sex drive, and tried changing my contraceptive pill. However, the change didn't work and we just ended up having sex less and less.

        After a while, I realised that because I felt pressured by my lack of sex drive it almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'd spend 10-14 days feeling guilty for not making a move, and then had guilty sex... which was never good. However, in hindsight I realise that the problem was as much his as it was mine. He wasn't instigating sex either, which put me under even more pressure. Even though we spoke about it and identified that there was a problem, no solution was ever reached.

        I don't know how long your relationship was... but I think that the less time this kind of problem goes on for, the easier it is to fix. If you get into a long term rut, it's almost impossible to sort it out. I really hope you manage to work things out though, because it's an awful feeling knowing that you've made the wrong move.
        We'd been together for 14 months, started having sex after 3 and everything was fine in that area until about a month and a half ago (I began the pill 2 months ago) and there was just never an oomph for me anymore, so it's certainly not beyond saving, I am still sexually attracted to him and tbh it's not like we ever tried anything new, there are so many things we haven't done that could spice us up and I know we'd both willing to do it.

        Thanks Jane, it was the worst feeling in the world when it hit me what I'd done. No matter what happens, I think we will remain close so I will be happy.

        I hope you're doing okay too

        Originally posted by insideout View Post
        Ergh, I know that feeling all too well =/ I've needed to talk to the doctor about changing my pill for like a year now really, I just keep putting it off because I'm a big shy wimp and my doctor doesn't seem to believe anything I tell her anyway.

        I hope everything works out for you two
        Thankyou Kate that sucks major :( just think of it this way, the sooner it's out the way the sooner you'll not have this feeling anymore! Why not go with your boyfriend, I found that made it easier when I first went on the pill
        Last edited by ciderxwithxrosie; 11-11-2009, 10:21 PM.

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        • It sounds like you've got much more chance of sorting things out than we did. We started having problems around the same time you guys got together!

          I think I'm feeling ok about it now, although I was in tears all of monday night. Things weren't right for a long time, but I still love him and keep expecting him to walk through the door... He wants us to try again at some point in the future, but we definitely need time apart to put things in perspective.

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          • Well I hope things can work, we have had some amazing -ahem- times together

            That's a very sensible decision Jane, I think that time apart, like it's doing for me and Mike, paints the bigger picture and adjusting to life by yourself, I mean you can go either way with it: cope fine and realise this is what you need and want or still have that gap in your life and you attempt to fix things.

            Whatever the result, I hope you're happy

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            • I've learnt that the worst thing you can ever do is take someone back on a whim... If you leave someone you almost always regret it for the first couple of days, because change is hard to deal with. However, if you go back to them straight away nothing will have changed... and then six months later you kick yourself for being so weak :p

              I'm sure that we'll stay friends at least, and we're still on good terms. We have a few gigs planned over the next couple of months, so we'll see.

              Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out for the best x

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              • I'm exactly the same, we have a gig coming up in a few weeks (well, I gave him the tickets because they were his birthday present and told him to take whoever but he still wants me to come, so I will see him) and then one early next year and we'll probably still keep in contact via texts but probably more chitchat than actually talking about us.

                This time apart can only really do good for both of us (me and you), even if it ends in friendship. Best of luck to you too x

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                • I cant stop thinking about Ben.

                  No matter how busy I make make self or how much fun I'm having, he seems to just be sat in the corner of my head.
                  Go away, go away, go away !!

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                  • I'm sure that we'll stay friends at least, and we're still on good terms.
                    In my experience, that's the best outcome. My relationship with my ex-fiance wasn't perfect - far from it, but it was a damn good relationship at the time. After splitting, we became good friends, even though I'm now in a serious relationship and he's got a baby on the way with his girlfriend. We work so much better as close friends, I've discovered.

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                    • That's really good Foo, I'm glad you guys are still close. He seemed like a really good guy.

                      I'm seeing Simon later. Slightly annoyed that he's really unorganised and it took quite a lot of phonecalls to get his new mobile number. Gee that might be useful since I'm meeting you at an underground station tomorrow evening, you numpty. We're looking at a house together later too. I still really have my heart set on the other one, but this one might be amazing. So we'll see.

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                      • Hope the house is amazing for you, Genni I'm moving in with Joe next month, he owns his own house so no dramas there. Just needs decorating and made 'girl-friendly' he wanted me to move in not long after we met, because we got on so amazingly... but I had to wait until stuff at home was sorted. I'm incredibly excited, we've been together for over 5 months now ( known each other for around 8) and it's going amazingly - he's so close to being the other half of me, it's unreal.

                        Just wish he'd let me post a picture, because he's truly gorgeous Long dark hair, glasses... yum. Fancy him like mad.

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                        • long dark hair = win.

                          I get to see my boy tomorrow (complete with long long dark hair lol)

                          I'm so excited. Haven't seen him in a week. He's meeting my mum, step dad and gran on saturday bless him.

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                          • Feeling v. guilty for snapping at my boyfriend this morning. I was running late and couldn't find my shoes/keys/train ticket/brain and got a bit sarcastic when he asked if there was anything he could do to help.

                            So I have just popped out on my (belated) lunch break and bought the ingredients to make his favourite dinner with tonight and I'm going to try and get home before him and run him a bath, make the flat look all lovely etc. I may even shave my horribly stubbly legs for him hahaha.

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                            • Ah, bless I've always had a thing for men with long dark hair... and when Joe first walked into the shop where we work, I nearly fell over. Little bit of beardy stubble going on, cute little tummy, GORGEOUS eyes, mmmmmmm. Add a little hat and stripey hippy top going on, and it was like 'OMFG DREAM COME TRUE C'MERE YOU SEXY BEAST'.

                              Didn't think he liked me at first, because he all but ignored me for a couple of months. Turned out he wanted a bit but was too shy

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                              • Eeeee, I'm seeing mine tomorrow ^_^
                                Think the plan is to spend the whole weekend in bed watching films.

                                The 4.5 hour train ride is a bit of a b!tch though...

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